First of all, I want to give a shout out to all the MOM's out there! HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY YESTERDAY!! I hope it was wonderful for all of you! And this is probably lame, but I'm going to mimic my Mother's Day post from last year by letting you read it again by clicking here if you so desire to read it again. This time I want to write about me. Lame. I know. But bear with me. I might get emotional. I know I've already written about it, and I'm going to write about it again, but it's not because I want people to feel bad. I just have a lot of things on my mind that I feel I need to write on here for some reason--maybe because someone else needs to read it.
Yesterday was a special day for me for a lot of reasons. It's the day we have set aside to remember the amazing, incredible women in our lives, and thank them for all they have done for us. But for me, yesterday was the first Mother's Day I was even close to being able to spend it as a 1st time mom. Yesterday was the day I was supposed to be having a baby of my very own. It was the due date we were so excited about because it was Mother's Day, and the day before my own mom's birthday. [HAPPY BIRTHDAY TODAY, MOM! I love you!!] It was going to be perfect timing because it was only 1 week after I officially graduated from college.
But, over the last 7 months since the miscarriage, I have learned that Heavenly Father's timing is perfect, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time. You hear about people having miscarriages and that it happens a lot (one stat I read said 1 in 4 or 5 pregnancies ends in miscarriage--not to scare anyone, it's just reality, and hopefully none of you ever have to experience it!!). I never really thought it would happen to us, but we tried to take the necessary precautions--like not telling anyone, except a couple people--that we were expecting. Just in case. We thought we were almost clear to tell our exciting news. 1.5 more weeks and we would have made it through our first trimester.
I don't know if any of you can tell, but "pregnancy" and "babies" consume a lot of my thinking now. I can't help it. And here's where the confession part comes in: I'M SO JEALOUS!! I admit it. I am jealous every time someone announces they're pregnant. I'm jealous every time someone has a new baby of their own to hold. I'm always so happy and excited for them, but so jealous at the same time.
I always appreciate others' attempts at kind words like: "Your time will come." "You guys will be great parents when it's your turn." and my all-time favorite, "Just stop 'trying,' then it'll happen." What the?? I seriously don't get how someone can say "you can't be trying" to someone who has had a miscarriage and wants so badly to have children. Where, in anyone's book, is that okay to say? I am especially sensitive to that one, if you can't tell. But honestly, you don't know what a miscarriage is like until you have one yourself. It has definitely been harder on me than it has on Dar, and that's okay. But he's hurting just like me, and I'm so grateful we have each other to lean on.
But, I never realized until this year, how many women actually hurt on Mother's Day. People like myself, my friend, Denise, who also had a miscarriage and is also still trying to get pregnant again, the many amazing Sisters in my ward who have never even had the opportunity to get married or have children and are now past child-bearing years, the many women out there who know they can't have children of their own, and mother's who have unfortunately had a child pass away before them. Yes, Mother's Day is a very special day. A day where we can honor our own mother's and grandmother's, aunts, sisters, etc. But I think some of us forget how many women out there are hurting when Mother's Day rolls around.
I sincerely hope no one is offended by this post. I only hope that who ever needs to read it has read it. I hope that we can all remember the happiness Mother's Day brings, but I also hope that we will all be extra sensitive to those amazing women out there who find themselves hurting on Mother's Day!
Flashback Update: Cute Kids
5 years ago
7 comments:
Kiara, this was a beautiful post. I didn't know you had gone through all of that. I hope you felt loved and honored yesterday. Please know that I understand and I have walked that road too. It is something no one can quite understand unless they've been through it. You are a beautiful person inside and out and I'm so glad that I can count you as a friend!
Kiara,
I too had a miscarriage before getting pregnant with Elle. It was probably the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me. I am so sorry for what you have had to go through. I completely understand the feeling you get when people try to be "helpful." Sure, their hearts are in the right place.. but it doesnt make it any easier! One week after my miscarriage, we went out to Utah for Easter, and I had told my mom to PLEASE ask everyone to not bring it up- I just wasnt ready... too fresh. So on Easter Sunday with my entire extended family there, I had 3 different family members come up to me at different times and say their peace. I was boiling!! I just wanted them to understand how emotional I was and that I didnt want to talk about it, so I did just that. I kindly told them that I would rather not talk about it, and they understood better the second time hearing it from me I guess instead of my mom! Anyway.. I'm not sure why I divulged in telling you all of that, but I hope it helps in some twisted way. That original due date is so hard. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing something so intimate and personal. I totally get the jealousy too!! My 17 year old niece who was a jr. in high school announced she was pregnant and keeping the baby 2 days after I miscarried. Ouch. Talk about jealousy! I had a lot of feelings about that situation that I had to get over. Definitely something Heavenly Father wanted me to learn and grow from! Anyway, I love ya girl and truly admire your strength!! Hang in there!!
I've never had a miscarriage but we did go through several years of unsuccessful infertility treatments and lots of money before we were able to have a child. People just don't get it. They say weird things. I remember one of the worst Mother's Days, it was actually about 4 months before I got pregnant, so I was at my wits end with all this infertility stuff. I politely asked my sister-in-law how her Mother's Day was and when she was done telling me about hers, she asked me what Erik had done for me on Mother's Day. I think just asked me out of habit, but her insensitivity really bothered me. I said, "Nothing." She was like, "What?!" I said, "I don't have kids, why would he do anything for me?" Then it was just really awkward.
I couldn't attend baby showers either for the longest time because I was secretly so angry and jealous... then one day, I didn't care anymore. I decided to try doing nice things for people that were having babies instead of being so angry. It was nice when I could say I was honestly happy for people again, but it did take some time getting there.
This was a long comment...
I love and appreciate you more than you will know! You are such a strong person, who I ALWAYS look up to! I had known a lot of those feelings from what you had told me, but am grateful for your honesty.
I love you babe, and hang in there! I am GLAD that you got through Sunday!
I'm sorry for all you're going through. A miscarriage must be devastating.
It was tough for me too yesterday (and it usually isn't). I know intellectually that it's about honoring my mom and other mothers but sometimes emotions or the adversary or other things get in the way. I hope you can find the comfort you need.
Thanks for posting exactly how I also felt on Mother's Day. I haven't been through the trauma of a miscarriage, but having been trying for just under 2 years for kids with no reason, why not, it makes Mother's day for a very hard day. You are awesome, that is all.
What a great confession. I'm so sorry you have been feeling the way you have been. There is nothing as painful as wanting a baby feeling all the emotions involved and then having that taken from you. My last miscarriage (we've had 3) was in Qatar. Mike wasn't with me and I thought I crumble up and DIE-I was alone (or so I thought). It's time like this (reading your blog) I realize how connected women of this world are. Thanks for sharing your experience, it means a lot to those of us who have walked in similar shoes! =)
Best wishes!
Post a Comment