Confession

First of all, I want to give a shout out to all the MOM's out there! HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY YESTERDAY!! I hope it was wonderful for all of you! And this is probably lame, but I'm going to mimic my Mother's Day post from last year by letting you read it again by clicking here if you so desire to read it again. This time I want to write about me. Lame. I know. But bear with me. I might get emotional. I know I've already written about it, and I'm going to write about it again, but it's not because I want people to feel bad. I just have a lot of things on my mind that I feel I need to write on here for some reason--maybe because someone else needs to read it.

Yesterday was a special day for me for a lot of reasons. It's the day we have set aside to remember the amazing, incredible women in our lives, and thank them for all they have done for us. But for me, yesterday was the first Mother's Day I was even close to being able to spend it as a 1st time mom. Yesterday was the day I was supposed to be having a baby of my very own. It was the due date we were so excited about because it was Mother's Day, and the day before my own mom's birthday. [HAPPY BIRTHDAY TODAY, MOM! I love you!!] It was going to be perfect timing because it was only 1 week after I officially graduated from college.

But, over the last 7 months since the miscarriage, I have learned that Heavenly Father's timing is perfect, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time. You hear about people having miscarriages and that it happens a lot (one stat I read said 1 in 4 or 5 pregnancies ends in miscarriage--not to scare anyone, it's just reality, and hopefully none of you ever have to experience it!!). I never really thought it would happen to us, but we tried to take the necessary precautions--like not telling anyone, except a couple people--that we were expecting. Just in case. We thought we were almost clear to tell our exciting news. 1.5 more weeks and we would have made it through our first trimester.

I don't know if any of you can tell, but "pregnancy" and "babies" consume a lot of my thinking now. I can't help it. And here's where the confession part comes in: I'M SO JEALOUS!! I admit it. I am jealous every time someone announces they're pregnant. I'm jealous every time someone has a new baby of their own to hold. I'm always so happy and excited for them, but so jealous at the same time.

I always appreciate others' attempts at kind words like: "Your time will come." "You guys will be great parents when it's your turn." and my all-time favorite, "Just stop 'trying,' then it'll happen." What the?? I seriously don't get how someone can say "you can't be trying" to someone who has had a miscarriage and wants so badly to have children. Where, in anyone's book, is that okay to say? I am especially sensitive to that one, if you can't tell. But honestly, you don't know what a miscarriage is like until you have one yourself. It has definitely been harder on me than it has on Dar, and that's okay. But he's hurting just like me, and I'm so grateful we have each other to lean on.

But, I never realized until this year, how many women actually hurt on Mother's Day. People like myself, my friend, Denise, who also had a miscarriage and is also still trying to get pregnant again, the many amazing Sisters in my ward who have never even had the opportunity to get married or have children and are now past child-bearing years, the many women out there who know they can't have children of their own, and mother's who have unfortunately had a child pass away before them. Yes, Mother's Day is a very special day. A day where we can honor our own mother's and grandmother's, aunts, sisters, etc. But I think some of us forget how many women out there are hurting when Mother's Day rolls around.

I sincerely hope no one is offended by this post. I only hope that who ever needs to read it has read it. I hope that we can all remember the happiness Mother's Day brings, but I also hope that we will all be extra sensitive to those amazing women out there who find themselves hurting on Mother's Day!